If You're Going To Fail
by TheHunter747
Summary: ...You might as well do it while having fun. And that is exactly what Zack plans to do during his Shinra SOLDIER exams. Good thing is, he has his ever willing accomplices, Kunsel and Luxiere. Oh, and Cloud. But he's not so willing to help. AU
1. Chapter 1

Me: While browsing recently, I came across a list of things to do in an exam if you know you're going to fail anyway, and all I could think of was, "I can totally see Zack doing this stuff." And thus, this fic was born. Each chapter will feature two of these little prompts, with the full list posted at the end. Zack, care to do the disclaimer?

Zack: Okay! The Hunter doesn't own any of the characters, nor can he claim credit for the original list. Also, he cannot be held accountable for damages to Shinra property within this fic, and neither can I. Right?

Me:I suppose... Oh, what the hell. Go nuts, Zack.

Zack: Yay!

Everyone else: Oh Gaia...

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**Prompt 1-Bring a pillow, and pretend to fall asleep until 15 minutes before the end of the exam. Write a bunch of complete nonsense, then hand it in five minutes early.**

"What exactly is this, Sephiroth?"

"Honestly, Angeal? I think the puppy is either insane, or... actually, you know what? He's just insane."

"Well, what do we do? Not even Hojo can understand these insane ramblings!"

"Ah, just give him a zero. It's not like he was going to get much more than that anyway, right?"

"I suppose... I mean, he did fall asleep until fifteen minutes before the exam finished, and then he left five minutes early!"

"Wait. You mean to say Zack answered every question- albeit with a bunch of completely retarded crap that even Genesis couldn't think of if he tried- in ten minutes?"

"Well, yes. Why?"

"Give that boy an A. He deserves it for simply being able to spew so much unmitigated horseshit in that short a space of time. There were 100 questions in that paper."

-Two days later-

Zack was walking to Angeal's office, eager to recieve his mark for the exam he had done two days previously. He had bet Kunsel, Luxiere and Cloud 2000 gil each that he would get a zero. Reaching the door to Angeal's office, Zack knocked, grinning as he thought to himself what he should do with his 6000 gil. A romantic dinner with Aerith sounded nice right now, he supposed. Hearing his ever-stoic mentor's call of 'Enter' from within the office, Zack opened the door, and almost-literally bounced into the seat across the desk from Angeal.

"So? Did I get a zero? Come on, tell me!"

"Actually Zack, you got full marks for the exam."

"Alright, I- wait, what?"

"You got full marks, Zack."

"But I... No way, that's... I... How?"

"You managed to answer every question within the space of ten minutes. That's ten questions a minute, Zack. Sephiroth and I have agreed that you are recieving full marks for this exam. Congratulations."

"But... listen, Angeal, I know I don't usually say this, but please, let me fail!"

"Why?"

"I- I sorta made a bet to the sum of 6000 gil that I would get zero marks."

"Well, then this ought to teach you a lesson about gambling, shouldn't it?"

"I... yessir."

"Good. Better get going. You have more exams, and of course, you have to find 6000 gil somehow."

**Prompt 2-Get a copy of the exam, then run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"**

Zack walked in, while Cloud waited outside. He, along with Kunsel and Luxiere, had been roped into this by Zack. Of course, it was originally Kunsel that suggested it to Zack, and Luxiere had simply overheard them discussing it. The three of them had then decided, however, that they needed a fourth stooge to join in their little prank, and that was where Cloud came into the picture. Of course, Zack had insisted on not yelling 'Andre', and so they were just using Cloud's real name. Or at least, so Cloud thought.

Zack was smirking. This would not only cement his place as Shinra's top prankster- better than the president's son, as well as Genesis- but should also the little blond uke that was Cloud quite suitably flustered. Walking across the room to his seat, he got odd looks from people who realized he wasn't carrying any stationery with him. He just smiled at them. Oh, if only they knew. But they would know soon enough, Zack told himself, and this thought brought his usual mischievous smirk back.

Soon enough, Zack reached his seat, and saw his prize- the mathematics paper that all SOLDIERs apparently needed to sit. Quite what maths had to do with killing people with swords and magic, Zack wasn't sure, but he couldn't really do anything about it. As it was, this was funny, and so he was glad of it if only for this opportunity. Picking up the exam paper, Zack turned and ran for the door, all while yelling at the top of his lungs:

"Chocobo, Chocobo, I've got the secret documents!"

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Me: Ah, Zack. Truly you are the gift of the goddess. The goddess of hilarity, that is!

Zack: Thank you, I do my best.

Cloud/Kunsel/Luxiere: Okay, pal. So where's our gil, huh?

Zack: Uh, well... Wasn't that second prank worth at least half what I owe you?

C/K/L: Well...okay. That's a thousand gill apiece that you owe us, though.

Zack: Deal. Whew, glad I got that sorted out. Anyway, don't forget to review, favourite, or alert. Bye!


	2. Chapter 2

Me: Alright, this fic has gotten good reception so far, so I guess I shall continue it. *Angry yells and thumps emanate from the room behind me* Um... What's going on?

Genesis: Zack switched Sephy's conditioner again.

Me: Again? What with this time?

Angeal: From the looks of it... pasta sauce. So now Zack is being chased by a naked Sephiroth with pasta sauce in his hair, wielding Masamune.

Me: Good Goddess! The fic hasn't even started yet! Oh well, enjoy these two installments while I try and save Zack...again.

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**Prompt 3- In an English exam, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative.**

"And you're absolutely certain there isn't a mixup, Angeal?"

"No, Director, this is definetly Zack's English exam. I'm as confused as you are."

"But... there are mathematical symbols in here! Look, the integral symbol is referred to at least three times on the first page! It's just a jumbled assortment of numbers and symbols, Angeal! You can't possibly believe he's that stupid, surely?"

"Director, I believe that Zack... well, I think he's playing a prank on us. His last two exams... didn't go so well either."

"Really? How so?"

Lazard, Director of SOLDIER, was now actually interested. If Zack had done this before, would he do it again?

"The first exam, he recieved full marks for from General Sephiroth, simply for answering all the questions- albeit with a load of complete bullshit that made Genesis proud- within the space of ten minutes."

"I see. And the second exam?"

"He picked up the paper, and apparently bolted for his friend, Cloud Strife, yelling 'Chocobo, Chocobo, I've got the secret documents!'"

At that point, the director started to laugh as loud as possible-Angeal knew from experience that the only living creature on the Planet louder than the Director, was a drunken Genesis, and even then only a little louder. Angeal had actually been surprised to find that the director was a very quiet drunk. Finally beginning to recover, Lazard picked up the paper again, looked it over, and then simply stood up and walked out of the room, still laughing slightly. Before leaving, however, the director hastily scribbled a mark and a note in the top corner of the paper.

Once Angeal was back in his office, he looked at the mark Lazard had given Zack, and was shocked to discover that yet again, Zack had gotten full marks. Reading the note, Angeal had to contain his own laughter:

'Dear Zack, I am interested by these pranks you are playing. For giving me a good laugh, I have marked your paper personally. Perhaps we could discuss further pranks later? Bring Cloud, Kunsel, and Luxiere, too, of course. Director Lazard'

**Prompt 4-Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.**

This was Lazard's first suggestion to Zack, and they had all agreed-albeit reluctantly on Cloud's part- that this would be carried out during Zack's next exam. As Zack walked in to the exam hall, however, his heart nearly stopped from fear. It seemed there had been a change of instructor-possibly to prevent Zack from playing any pranks- at the last minute. Sephiroth was now glowering at the class, looking as though he would run anyone who dared ask him why he was there through several times with Masamune. Then impale their head on a spike outside.

Well, Zack thought to himself, if they were hoping to deter me, it won't work. I must become the ultimate prankster. Calmly walking to his seat, Zack ran over the design he had mapped out in his head one more time.

"You may begin your examination, class."

'Stuffy, uptight jerk. Hope he wasn't too attached to his nostrils.' was Zack's only- albeit silent- response to Sephiroth's statement. Opening the question booklet, Zack looked to his left, to see Kunsel already making good on his promise. When he checked on Luxiere, though, the other 3rd class was too busy making googly eyes at one of his female classmates to pay attention to the plan.

'Ah well. More glory for me. Cloud and Lazard better do their part, and come save my ass. This is Sephiroth I'm dealing with now.' Zack slowly and silently- he could be stealthy when he wanted to be, as Angeal had found out when some rather incriminating pics of himself in his teddy-bear PJs had been circulated on the Internet- removed a page from the exam paper, and began to ever so carefully fold it, while making it look as though he was reading a question carefully.

Cloud and Lazard, meanwhile, were watching the exam room from a security monitor.

"Zack's about to learn that it takes two to tango, Cloud."

"Director?"

"Didn't you wonder why Sephiroth was there, instead of Angeal? I orchestrated this entire thing, Cloud. Zack is going to learn that he can't prank a prankster."

"Wait... then, you mean...?"

"Yes. We are going to do nothing. Except sit here and laugh, of course. Angeal, Genesis, why not come out of the shadows and take a seat?"

The two commanders stepped out of the shadows, Angeal looking impressed, while Genesis was caught between looking confused at being found, and irritated for the same reason. It made him look like he had a bad toothache.

"How did you know?"

"I heard Genesis swear when you stepped on his foot. That and you would never miss a chance like this."

"Director! Zack's making a move!"

Zack Fair, SOLDIER 2nd class, and self-proclaimed 'Ultimate Prankster of the Universe', was indeed making a move. As it happened, he was signalling Kunsel. The plan was simple: first, Zack would throw the first paper plane. Then, when Sephiroth turned his patented DeathGlare9000(TM) on him, Kunsel would release his plane, thus temporarily confusing the great and mighty General. Finally, Luxiere, who had finally stopped eye-raping the girl across from him, would throw the final plane, then incite everyone else to do the same(hopefully). Once Sephiroth had restored order, Lazard and Cloud would swoop in and save Zack's bacon, and they would take their places as top pranksters- all except Zack, that is. He was already there.

Signalling to Luxiere that the plan was in motion, Zack took careful aim, then with a flick of his wrist, sent the lightweight object sailing towards it's target. In the security room, everyone was holding their breath. Zack didn't feel the need to do so, of course. After all, everything was going according to plan. The plane struck home, true to it's master- Sephiroth's left nostril took a beating from a paper plane with a single word scrawled on it's wing.

"Left? What does 'left' mean? Who threw this?"

The signal had been given, and Kunsel's plane began it's bombing run. It's target? Sephiroth's ear. Kunsel, Zack, and Luxiere were well known in Shinra for being near-deadly with a paper plane, their accuracy was so brilliant. And thus, with Sephiroth's full attention being focused on Zack, Kunsel had no problem hitting the General directly in his eardrum. Snatching the plane out of his ear, Sephiroth noticed that this plane also had a word written on it.

"Right? Wait..."

Sephiroth turned round just in time to have Luxiere's plane hit him right in the eye, causing the General of Shinra's army, Demon of Wutai, to hop around in pain, cursing every entity under the sun. Luxiere, meanwhile, stood up, and started yelling out 'Riot, riot, riot!' as loudly as he could. Kunsel then joined in, and finally Zack started as well. Once Zack stood up, a few others hesitantly joined in the aeroplane war, but fairly soon, the whole exam hall was a blur of white, pink, blue and yellow, as bits of exams flew this way and that. Sephiroth was getting mad, Zack could tell, and he signalled to Kunsel and Luxiere that stage four was now in motion. The other two reluctantly slipped away from the warzone and sidled over to the door.

"ENOUGH!"

That shut the entire hall up- no one had ever heard Sephiroth yell this loudly before. Scratch that, no one had ever seen the famed General lose his temper like this before. There was no telling what he might do while this riled up. In the security room, four people began to subside into giggling, which turned into full out laughter as each contemplated the fate that awaited the three unlucky SOLDIERs that just happened to be trapped in the burning headlights that was a whole new-and decidedly more dangerous- version of Sephiroth's famous death glare.

"Zack, Kunsel, Luxiere."

The three named SOLDIERs started to get nervous. Lazard and Cloud had said they would be here by now. Where were they? Edging slowly towards the door they had chosen, Kunsel tried to open it. Tried being the key word.

"Um...Zack?"

"What?"

"We may have a problem. Not only is an angry Sephiroth bearing down upon us, but Lazard and Cloud haven't shown up, and even worse, the door we agreed would be our escape route in case of an emergency has been locked from the outside. We can't get out of here, Zack."

"Then...NO! Lazard, you treacherous pig! And you too Cloud Strife! Damn you both to hell!"

"Any particular reason for the outburst, Zachary?"

Gulping, Zack scratched the back of his neck, before turning to face the Demon of Wutai. Who was currently in a bad mood. 'Right. Time to see how much of Angeal has rubbed off onto Sephy.' was the singular thought in Zack's mind as he put on his cutest kicked puppy face, pouting at Sephiroth as cutely as he could muster, while trying not to pass out from fear.

"It was all Cloud's idea."

Back in the security room, three men laughed, and one blond cadet stared at the screen in terror, as Sephiroth uttered the dreaded words, "Then Cloud will be punished. Meanwhile, you three can go back to your seats, recieve another copy of the exam, and start working on it. You have ten minutes. And don't expect the same trick to work twice, Zachary."

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Me: Yay, Cloud getting tortured!

Cloud: You are sadistic. You realize that, don't you?

Zack: Course he does. He just doesn't give a damn, one way or the other.

Cloud: You! You betrayed me!*grabs Buster Sword and starts chasing Zack, trying to kill him.*

Zack: Hey, you and Lazard betrayed me! And where did you get Angeal's sword?

Cloud: Eh, some canonical plot bunny involving Angeal dying, giving it to you, you dying, then giving it to me. Writers are idiots.

Me: Hey, shut up, blondie!*glares daggers at Cloud*

Cloud: Or what, writer?

Me: Hey, I control this story. *snaps fingers, and instantly Cloud is tied down with Sephiroth making out with him*

Cloud(muffled): I don't actually mind this, you know.

Me: Really? Oh, sorry. *snaps fingers again, Cloud is now being made out with by Tifa*

Cloud: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Me/Zack: Hehe. Anyways, remember to favourite, alert, and review, or F.A.R, as some writers call it. Bye!


End file.
